When life happens in a bad way

I realize I have been very lax lately in writing here, but I have been dealing with a lot of personal issues - being laid off again (second time in a year), hardcore depression, stuff like that there. But today, something happened that is making me really take a very hard long look at my life.

I have been surrounded by death for a very long time. My best friend from Texas was killed in a hotel fire sixteen years ago, and that started a bizarre cascade of suicides and murders that have left me very jaded. However, today I am faced with something that shakes me to my very core. My friend Steve had a brain aneurysm today at 12:30. It's one of those weird things that has no rhyme or reason, and despite his health issues, this had nothing to do with any of them. He survived the crucial first few hours and he is currently heavily sedated in a neuro-trauma ICU at St. John's. I've done some research, and it is possible to return to a normal life after such an event, but it takes a lot of time and effort on everyone's part.

Steve and his wife Robin, as well as all the kids, are family. I have known them for more years than I care to say - the older kids consider me their third mom, after their real mom and their step-mom Robin. The two youngest are especially precious to me (if you know me, then you know why!) and Heather just turned five, so they are quite young still.

Maybe the thing that is bothering me the most is that Steve is six months younger than me. There are three of us that are damn near the same age - me, Steve and Sylvanus. Sylvanus is a month older than me and Steve is the youngest of us, but we are all Fire Horses according to Chinese astrology and we are all most assuredly part of Generation X. We are all close friends, despite any arguments and disagreements we've had over the years. Steve has had some fairly major health issues and he is still dealing with diabetes, but this - this is one of those random unknowns that no one can ever expect.

So - I anticipate being very busy for the next few months, maybe years, I don't know. Whatever it takes, I'm gonna be there. These people are my family. I love them, and I will be there for them, no matter what. My past embarrassments don't matter anymore. They are dear to me.

Sometimes growing is painful

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is not so much wrong with this community as there is something wrong with my current approach to all things Pagan. There is a thriving community here in our town, groups of people that meet on a regular business and work together on a regular basis – but they don’t want to work with Greenleaf. They have goals and ideas, things they’d like to see get accomplished in this area – but not by Greenleaf.

I believe that Greenleaf’s time has come and gone. We have done so much and I would like to believe that we have accomplished huge strides in helping Pagans and Wiccans become at least a little more accepted within our community. We have met so many wonderful and valuable people over the years, and I have been fortunate to maintain friendships with a good number of them.

There was a time when I thought I would be able to take over Greenleaf Coven. However, I’ve come to the realization that it won’t be possible. The reason for that is because I don’t believe anyone will ever be able to accept me as HPS of Greenleaf. That’s because I’m not – it will always be Pat.

The final decision, of course, is up to the High Priest and High Priestess of Greenleaf Coven. I know in the past they have discussed the possibility of stepping down and letting others handle Sabbats and rituals. Some of us have stepped up and done just that, but none of us will ever be able to fill their shoes completely.
If Greenleaf were to be dissolved, we would of course continue our projects such as “The Pagan Show” and Pagans in the Park. I would certainly hate to see any of those go by the wayside. My hope is that the Pagan community at large would be more receptive to working with those of us within Greenleaf if we no longer carried that tag around. I would like to see it as a fresh start for some, maybe even the whole area.