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Confusion

So things have been going pretty good - I've been busting my ass to do the right things for my husband, and I thought he was happy. Now, all of a sudden, he's depressed and unhappy, and I don't know why. I've been doing everything he asked. Was he happier when I was being the evil bitch and doing whatever the hell I wanted? Is there something I'm not doing that he DID want me to do?

He says it's not me, but it's really hard for me to believe that.

dragging up the past

One of the things that has been most difficult for me this past week is remembering all the horrible things I've done to other people. I know I treated some people very badly, and I have tried to put that all behind me and move on, maybe make a better life for myself and my children. I don't want my boys to end up like me. But I have been reminded lately of the way I was treating people eight or ten years ago. I was not a nice person, and I know that. It's a very painful thing for me to remember.

I'm sure there's a reason why I have to go back and look at all these horrible things that I did - I treated people badly, I broke hearts, I lied. My life now is wonderful, and I could never imagine doing anything like that to my husband, but of course, he doesn't believe me. All of my past actions have been dragged back to my attention. I don't even like to think about it. But I know he has his reasons for it.

this evening's silliness

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moving forward in my life

I haven't written anything on here for a very long time. Bad move on my part, I know, but my life has taken some interesting turns as of late.

First and foremost, I did something very stupid last weekend and almost destroyed my marriage. My husband was ready to pack up and leave me because of it. I'm not going to go into details about what I did - it was entirely my fault and I take full responsibility for all of it. Since then, my husband and I have had many, many conversations, and I've been forced to admit to him that I have a specific psychological problem. Again, not gonna go into detail about it. It was hard enough for me to talk to my husband about it, so I'm not about to start posting details of my problems here.

We've been working very hard - together - to try and get past my mistake and understand what we can do to live with this problem I have. He's been incredibly patient and understand with me. I don't know what I would have done if he had left. I'm very grateful for everything he is doing for me right now. It's given me a feeling of security that I realized I've never had. I have been in love before, but I have never felt being loved. I think I may have been incapable of feeling love from another. This is kind of a whole new thing for me to be able to understand and know that another person can and does love me as much as I love them.

And it only took me forty years!